The Hollywood Jedi

Bizaro Barney Box Cutter Bafoon

2008-12-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

A woman with a box cutter..... no not a Bo x cutter was apprehended in Hollywood yesterday as she threatened to slit the the bus drivers throat if she did not drive her to her location. Barney the Dinosaur who was working the strip for tips helped Storm Troopers find the culprit. No word yet if LA Bus Girl is the woman blamed for the threat.

Hollywood Winterfest & Santa Parade Street Closures

2008-11-30T11:27:00.000-08:00

All you people complaining about lack of parking in Hollywood, welcome to your worst nightmare.

"Jedi don't have nightmares."

My question is, how many of you all that complain about parking also complain about the possibility of losing this parade forever? Hollywood doesn't need more parking, it needs less cars. Hollywood doesn't need less people aka density, it needs less drivers.

Anywho, I digress.

Tow-Away No Stopping, Saturday 6 PM (11/29/08) to Monday 6 AM (12/1/08)

Hollywood Blvd between Highland Ave & Orange Dr
Orange Dr between Hollywood Blvd & Hawthorn Ave
Hollywood Blvd between La Brea Ave & Orange Dr
Hawthorn Ave between La Brea Ave & Mc Cadden Pl
Lanewood Ave between La Brea Ave & Orange Dr
Sunset Blvd between Highland Ave & La Brea Ave
De Longpre Ave between Highland Ave & La Brea Ave
Fountain Ave between Highland Ave & La Brea Ave
El Cerrito Pl between Franklin Ave & Hollywood Blvd
Sycamore Ave between Franklin Ave & Hawthorn Ave
Sycamore Ave between Sunset Blvd & Fountain Ave
Orange Dr between Franklin Ave & Hollywood Blvd
Orange Dr between Hawthorn Ave & Santa Monica Blvd
Mansfield Ave between De Longpre Ave & Fountain Ave
McCadden Pl between Yucca St & Hawthorn Ave
Las Palmas Ave between Hollywood Blvd & Selma Ave

Tow-Away No Stopping, Sunday (11/30/08) 11AM to Midnight:

Hollywood Blvd between Cherokee Ave & Vine St
Vine St between Hollywood Blvd & Sunset Blvd
Sunset Blvd between Vine St & Highland Ave
Franklin Ave between La Brea Ave & Highland Ave
Santa Monica Blvd between La Brea Ave & Gower St
Highland Ave between Franklin Ave & Sunset Blvd
La Brea Ave between Franklin Ave & Fountain Ave East side of street only
Cahuenga Blvd between Yucca St & Hollywood Blvd West side of street only

Tow-Away No Stopping, Any Time Sunday:

Hollywood Blvd between Highland Ave & Cherokee Ave
Yucca St between Gower St & Argyle St North side of street only
La Brea Ave between Sunset Blvd & De Longpre Ave West side of street only
Vine St between Fountain Ave & Lexington Ave West side of street only
Alta Vista Blvd between Fountain Ave & 100’ northerly
Sunset Blvd between Vermont Ave & New Hampshire Ave North side of street only

Freeway Closures: Hollywood Freeway, HWY 101:

Northbound and Southbound off-ramps of Cahuenga Blvd. and Highland Ave. will all be closed at 3:00 p.m., reopening at 10:00 p.m.

No Parking Postings:

On Wednesday, Nov. 26, 2008, posting will begin on those streets that are designated “NO PARKING” for Saturday, Nov. 29, Sunday, Nov 30 and Monday, Dec. 1, 2008.

When Sandcrawlers Collide

2008-11-30T10:35:00.000-08:00

At around 9am a Sandcrawler traveling Northbound on Virgil Ave was struck by another Sandcrawler traveling Westbound at high speed and having run a red light at Santa Monica Blvd in East Hollywood. The impact left shattered glass all over the intersection. Nine Storm Trooper squads were called to the scene including ambulances and fire trucks. Virgil Ave remained closed for about an hour while crews cleaned the wreckage.

No doubt the nine Storm Trooper squads were called in to verify if the Sandcrawlers had any stolen droids. No word yet if any Jawas perished in the tradgedy. One Jawa is however being held os suspision of wreckless driving.

Update:
Turns out the collision was caused because one of the Sandcrawlers was involved in a high speed chase beginning in South Los Angeles and ended in East Hollywood.

Bike Parking or Fort Knox?

2008-11-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

A little over a year ago I was introduced to Jedi Master Box. I'd never met somebody like him... actually... I still have yet to meet somebody like him. Anywho.... a few months later I ran into him at Barnsdall Art Park in East Hollywood when he said "Dude. Where'd you park your bike?" I was embarrassed to say I drove but managed to Jedi Mind Trick him and convince him that I didn't bike up Olive Hill because there was no proper bike parking. Which was the purpose of the conversation anyways. Months went by and I continued to dive up to Barnsdall for whatever reason I needed to go up there. On one of my most recent visits I made an astonishing observation. I ACTUALLY found bike parking. After carefully monitoring the situation I realized how ridiculous and pathetic the single rack was. Not only as you can see is it a single U-Lock but it seems to be surrounded by 6 posts to keep your bike safe. Awww..... how considerate.

Does this single bike parking make a difference? No
Does this single bike parking need to be protected like Fort Knox? Yes

Really? Yes. Because this single bike parking is directly in front of two handicapped spaces. I envision some geriatric driver who see's these yellow posts and mistakes them for a yellow light and then they floor it to make the light but eventually hit the posts that were meant to stop them but since the city probably did a half ass job of installing them they will no doubt succumb to the 1967 Ford Fairlane with the 427 Big Block and only 65,000 miles on it leaving your classic schwinn looking like some of the "Street Art" on Vermont and great grandma claims it was already like that before she got there.

It wasn't me

2008-11-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

Security Guards at the Scientology Celebrity Centre shot and killed a man wielding a lightsaber earlier today. The man who has now become one with the Force was obviously not a Jedi since a Jedi would have had no problem deflecting the blaster shot. No word yet if the victim was challenging Tom Cruise to the title of Last Samurai.

Thanks to all those concerned people out there who contacted me immediatly after learning of this tradgedy to know of my well being.

John Williams is the Man

2008-11-19T21:27:00.000-08:00

Forgive the long absence but I think I've been spreading myself a little too thin recently but recent developments will allow me to focus some time on other important things like blogging. For those of you who know me personally look out for a real blog with my name on it coming soon... hopefully in January.

As for this.... enjoy.

The Falcon

2008-10-11T18:30:00.001-07:00

A week after my AT-AT was brought down by a drunk snow speeder pilot I purchased a new transport. Its taken me this long to let you all know because it has taken time for me to get it ready to show you. Unfortunately this is all you get to see. Any guesses what it is?

Don't honk at me because I WILL shoot you with my uncivilized blaster.

A Jedi's observation

2008-08-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

If NIMBY's were Jedi, then every time a Craftsman home gets demolished, they would clutch their hearts, get jelly legged and say: "I feel a disturbance in the force."

Dont be alarmed!

2008-07-29T23:11:00.000-07:00

That ground shaking you felt earlier today, turned out to be a prototype concussion grenade tested by mandalorians out by Chino Hills. Looks like it works. I keep telling them that they gotta stop that shit but I can only handle so many mandalorians by myself. Nerves were rattled, tears were shed, especially in tall buildings downtown by hysterical women, water mains were broken and unreinforced brick buildings were damaged. Basically, I make the Jedi Temple shake more when the Jedi Mistress is in town.

New Ride!

2008-07-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well kinda. After driving a mighty AT-AT, driving anything else is like shooting wamp rats back home. Pretty tame. These days I'm relegated to driving a Sand Crawler. I feel like a soccer mom driving this thing around. Despite losing my ride I'm looking forward to purchasing something that looks like a YT-1300 light freighter I can nickname The Falcon. Of course I'll try my best to get it in Dodger Blue.

T-47 brings down AT-AT

2008-07-28T20:00:00.001-07:00

Saturday night while stomping my way down to San Diego to visit other Jedi at the Annual Comic-Con I was attacked by a drunk T-47 pilot. Rather than use a harpoon and tow cable like most conventional snow speeder pilots, this one decided to crash into a wall, pushing it into my lane.

With only parsecs to react and the AT-AT's inability to swerve like a pod-racer, I struck the wall at full speed. The impact launched me into the air breaking one of my legs. After landing and having only three legs to control the damaged AT-AT, it succumbed to the excess weight and nothing to hold it up and I fell on my side where I dragged along the ground for about 20 feet when my broken leg caught on something flipping me over onto my remaining, now damaged legs and it finally fell on its chin. Medical droids arrived soon after and they all malfunctioned after they saw me walk away from the metal carnage.

*Obviously now that the tragedy has passed I can laugh about it on this blog but to be serious for a moment, I am fine. I should be dead. The drunk driver was traveling on the opposite side of the freeway when she hit the center divider head first pushing a portion of the wall into my lane where I hit it. I flew, I flipped, I dragged and flipped again. I walked away with a small scratch on my left elbow.*

Drunk didnt fair much better:

Beware the Sarlacc!

2008-07-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

Lat night while attending the Silver Lake Neighborhood Councils monthly board meeting I came accross this gem after the fighting and bickering stopped over some pesky bylaws matter. Silver Lake also became the second Neighborhood Council to support the Bicyclists Bill of Rights.

During post Bill of Rights celebrations one of the cyclists nearly fell into the Great Pit of Carkoon only to notice the sign after a rescue attempt was successful. Moments later the Sarlacc crawled back into its depression awaiting its next unsuspecting victim.

Sunset Gordon update

2008-06-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

Jedi Master Box attended the meeting mentioned in my last entry and reported on it at laist. Great work Jedi Master Box!

Not Frozen in Carbonite

2008-06-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

Explanation for my extended disappearance.... aside from a brief vacation to the Lake Country on Naboo, assisting in the filming of a short film, Jedi training with Dza Hai Bindo (more on him another day), visiting the Turd Burglar, spending some extra time with the Sith Attorney and dealing with random film crews outside the Jedi Temple, I've been pretty busy with real life bantha poodoo that has no place in this blog.

One interesting thing to blog about however is the creation of a new park in Hollywood. No not that huge one over the 101 freeway that NIMBY's like Grand Moff Serial are convinced wont get built because its just an excuse to change the planning policy and stuff like that, but rather a small pocket park on the corner of Sunset and Gordon. Wait what!? If you're having trouble imagining what is there at the moment then maybe this will jog your memory.

The Sunset Gordon is a 300 condominium, 13,000 sq.ft of retail, 40,000 sq.ft. of creative office space and a half-acre public park that will comprise this high-rise (hye-rise?) sitting atop of the Old Spaghetti Factory. (very Coruscantish) No the train will not be a part of the building. The train was sold to a private buyer who sill hasn't gotten his purchase. Wait till he sees the funky new graffiti it comes with.

The CRA along with Portland based Gerding Edlen, Council District 13, The LA Neighborhood Land Trust, and The Hollywood Studio District Neighborhood Council (no website available. lol) will be hosting a community wide meeting on Thursday June 26th to receive community input on what this park should look like. A definite must go if you live within walking distance of this location.

Couple interesting notes on this project are that this might just be the first time a developer like Gerding Edlen has ever been able to use its own Quimby Funds to build a park on its property, something Rec & Parks doesn't want you to know. And the 1/2 acre will be creatively placed on top of the parking garage being built for this new building.

I'm excited to see it built. You should too. Cant wait to see the finished product! YAY development!

And now... off to a Jedi Council Meeting.

Garcetti Quietly tries to turn Hollywood into Coruscant

2008-04-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

One of the beauties of living in Hollywood has been being able to wake up every day and look at the Hollywood Sign. A few years ago my view of the Hollywood Sign was obstructed by an eyesore of a development project that doesn't even service this community. It was then that I decided I needed to take a more active role in my community and as a Jedi I have convinced a few week minded fools to allow me to establish myself in this great community. Of course it was too late for me to get my view of the Hollywood Sign back but it remains a touchy subject.

For example, the current location of the Guatelinda Night Club is currently in the works to have the whole block from Edgemont to Kenmore be developed into a 16-story Hotel and a 12 story Condo Complex with a few town homes and some retail space. This is a HUGE project that will no doubt block the spectacular view of the Hollywood Sign from Barnsdall Art Park, when the land was originally given to the City of LA, no structure East of Edgemont between the park and the street was supposed to be higher than 50 feet. Granted this project will be west of Edgemont but thats a huge size differential. The East Hollywood Neighborhood Council's Planning and Beautification Committee will be entertaining this developer at their next meeting May 5th at 7pm at the Hollywood Youth and Family Center, located at 607 N. Vermont Ave.

Another example, and this one floored me at first, was brought to my attention by the Militant Angeleno who knows my hatred of Hollywood Sign blocking development. It turns out that the squeaky clean Council President Garcetti has had his hand buried in some bantha fodder lately according to this article in LA Weekly. I'm not completely convinced. I think the author of the article is a bit of a GHP. Columbia Square, which is located at 6121 Sunset Blvd will soon be home to a 40-story skyscraper and a 14-story office building that will no doubt block somebody's view of the Hollywood Sign. I'm going to let you people make up your own mind on that.

I've always been of the opinion that Hollywood has lost its luster over the years despite it being the Center of Attention for so long. Projects like these and the W are bringing Hollywood back into the forefront of LA.

This project is within walking distance of a Metro Station. It will be within walking distance of the proposed Hollywood Central Park which I am a huge fan of. With gas prices already at $4 a gallon and i guarantee will reach $5 by the summer of 2009 people WILL be using the mass transit available to them. People WILL be biking more than driving and people WILL be taking the bus more. People WILL walk to the park. People WILL walk to their local shops.

Maybe with all this walking and biking Hollywood and even LA will begin to have a more community feel to it. Eyes on the streets. Neighbors actually knowing each other. Sidewalks will become conducive to socializing and lets face it people... the denser this area gets, the safer it gets. Its beginning to sound like Manhattan. NY'ers will say YAY. Angelenos will say NAY. I say, Coruscant works fine.

Beyond The Call

2008-04-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to see a movie screening of Beyond The Call with my Sith Attorney at the downtown Laemmle located on Fig. I caught wind of this movie because it starred three Jedi Knights from Malta who started an organization called Knightsbridge International who travel around the world dedicated to providing humanitarian assistance and disaster relief worldwide without regard to race, religion or national origin. This film, made by the same guys that did the Academy nominated Genghis Blues, follows these three Jedi Knights around the world for three years going to places like Afghanistan, Thailand and the Philippines as they provide food, shelter, clothes, medicine and even solar energy to those in need. This is not a movie you should miss. It will be screening at the same theater until Thursday, April 24th. The filmmaker will be available for Q+A after the movie during certain screenings. These guys are so cool, they even have their own action figures!

Knightsbridge International is currently planning a Humanitarian Aide Mission to Darfur.

Movie Trailer

Somebody cut me. Four times!

2008-04-09T19:55:00.000-07:00

Okay. So I've been a shitty Jedi of late and not blogged. I swear I have good reasons.

As many of you know, back in September I had a bit of a medical problem with my gall bladder. And then despite not blogging it, back in January I made trip to the sick bay at nearby Hollywood Presbyterian where they told me I needed to have surgery asap!

Three months later, which I suppose is a testament to this country's health care system, I went in for my "oh so important and necessary" surgery to have my gall bladder removed.

In case you have morbid curiosity like me, here is a video of what they do.

Tuesday morning (April Fools Day) I went in for surgery to have it removed because it was kicking my ass. All day Monday I was doing things expecting them to be the last time I would ever do them. My last supper sucked. My last shit was unsatisfying. I had Danica visit because she wanted to borrow a movie that is really hard to find and because it would be easier to borrow while I’m still alive. Whatever. I went to Dodgers opening day and that was full of mixed emotions because as much as I love the Dodgers and they won the game against the hated Giants, a friend of mine somehow became my conscience and wouldn’t allow me to eat yummy stadium food.

My registration time for surgery was changed last minute from 6am to 5am. That sucked. Why even bother going to sleep right?

Anyways, I show up to the hospital and they were expecting me. Nice old lady registered me and said they would be with me in a few minutes. Not long after I got taken into a pre-op room where I had to strip and put a hospital gown on. I laid in bed and they asked me a bunch of questions about allergies and lifestyle habits. Then I had to sign some paperwork. Thats when I started to freak out. Thats when they said, "just in case Dr. Riviera cant perform the surgery laparoscopically he may have to cut you open and you may have to stay a couple of days.

cue broken R2 Unit

Say what!? Totally unexpected. Why wouldn’t he be able to do it how we discussed? Oh its just in case he finds something unusual or maybe wants to explore something else. WTF! This guy is a surgeon not a fucking conquistador exploring my innards!

Needless to say I was freaking out at this point. I signed the waiver but was scared shitless. Nurse came in and strapped an IV on my hand. Why my hand? Why not my arm? I started questioning everything. My heart was beating faster than Lando Calrissians hands were during his gambling days. Suddenly I became ultra sensitive to my entire surroundings and could hear conversations the Medical Corps were having down the hall.

In walked the anesthesiologist. He asked me all the same questions the nurses had asked me earlier. Explained how he was gonna knock me the fuck out, then walked away. Crazy thing was, he really did look like Nick Riviera. Next walked in another doctor who said he would be assisting on my surgery and asked me what I was having done. WTF? You’re asking me! You should know! Next walks in my surgeon and he asks me the same thing!

OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Well, looks like the OR is ready. They start to wheel my scared ass into a room thats freezing with all kinds of medical droids and people in masks and beeps and basically I thought I was going to go through a Darth Vader conversion operation at this point. I jump from the medical capsule onto the operating table and lay down. The Anesthesiologist slaps a mask over my face and says take deep breaths I need your lungs to fill with oxygen before I put you down. WTF! I’m not a dying dog! The mask was uncomfortable and as much I could inhale I couldn't exhale for shit and it started to freak me out. I had one doctor grab my right arm and put a blood pressure monitor on it and then strap it down to the table, then another guy took my left arm and strapped it down to the table. Somebody put a heartbeat monitor on my finger and then they strapped my legs down to the table. I freaked out and said "why are you strapping me d........ ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ

So yeah. I passed out. I had a crazy dream that I was fighting people and trying to run away. When I woke up, everything was a haze, blurry, voices seemed distant yet close by and my feet were cold so I asked a nurse next to me to bring me a blanket. She said don't go anywhere. Where am I going to go? She laughed. I lay there trying to correct my vision when I realized that surgery must be over and that I had tried to run away. I asked the nurse when she returned if I had really tried to run away and she laughed and said yes. She said as soon as I woke up I had tried to run away and it took four nurses to restrain me and get me back in bed. Really? Yeah. You were pretty heavily sedated and it still took four of us a tough time to get you to lay down. Wow. Yeah we nicknamed you Darth Bane. Wow.

I got some instructions about diet and drug (prescription) use. Do not operate lightsabers for 24 hours, rest and avoid making critical decisions or signing documents. I didn’t accidentally get married did I?

Surgery lasted 40 minutes and I was home by noon.

I felt pretty good for the rest of the day. Family came over and hung out. I saw The Lion King with the kids, got phone calls from friends, one person I wanted to come didn’t or rather couldn’t due to a cold.

The next day (Wednesday) I felt like I had been hit by a bus. My whole body hurt from hair follicle to toe nail. I still managed to go to a John Williams show that evening. Probably shouldn’t have gone. Oh well. A few other friends called. That was nice.

Thursday I woke up feeling much better. A little sore around the incisions which are four by the way. My belly button which has one incision itches really bad. I bled a little last night but nothing major. I’ve lost more blood popping a pimple. My boss called to find out if I was okay.

Anywho. I’m good. Thanks to all my young padawans and Jedi and Sith friends alike who called to wish me well.

I got gas

2008-03-18T18:16:00.000-07:00

So, this morning I set out on the AT-AT to West LA to run some governmental business and I am now the proud owner of filed income tax returns. Why drive out to WLA to get them done you ask? Because there are people in this world that love me and will do it for me for free. Alas, that was not my only reason to drive or else I would have probably taken mass transit; I volunteered some time today to the American Cancer Society's Daffodil Days and had agreed to deliver daffodils to sponsors and other important people. I know have the best smelling AT-AT in the Universe. I made it back to Hollywood just in time to attend my weekly CERT Training Course where I learned that using my Light Saber to cauterize wounds is somehow not the Jedi way.

After my course ended I hopped back in the AT-AT to head back to WLA to attend a seminar being given by Homeboy Industries. I noticed that my ride was low on plasma so I stopped by a Chevron to fill up. The only pump that was not being used was the farthest from the cashier which under normal circumstances would not be a problem since I have my trusty Bank of Jedi Master Tommy bank card. For some unearthly reason the stupid machine said my card didn't work and I had to walk to the cashier. They invented Pay-at-the-pump to make life more convenient and faster for those who have time management problems. I, did not want to inconvenience myself so I said, "Fuck you! My AT-AT runs on Midichlorians, bitch!" and I left.

In other transportation news, the East Hollywood Neighborhood Council has been busy these last few days making statements and setting precedents. First, last Thursday the NC released a video showing their vision on transit and planning at a Town Hall sponsored by the Hollywood Coalition of Neighborhood Councils, which was featured on LAist.com. Then, last night, the NC became the first in no doubt a long and distinguished list of groups, government agencies and other jedi councils to endorse the Cyclist Bill of Rights which was drafted by Jedi Master Box, Jedi Mistress Box and Jedi Master Will Campbell among others, cementing themselves as the NC of the 21st century, that those other NC's with GHP's should begin to look at for progressive ideas. Given the stubborn nature of those other boards, I wouldn't hold your breath. More info on the precedent setting NC here, here and here.

Water, Water everywhere...

2008-02-27T02:20:00.000-08:00

and all the drops you can drink?

Not exactly what Samuel Taylor Coleridge had in mind but...

While Hollywood was shining at the 80th annual presentation of the Academy Awards, Los Angeles was receiving an award of its own. Los Angeles is the proud owner of the US's tastiest tap water. Say whu? Yes. Los Angeles has the tastiest tap water according to Berkley Springs International Water Tasting. We beat out 120 other tap waters competing for best tap.

My question now is this. Can we as Angelenos help save the environment by drinking more tap water and less bottled water?

Of course this is just the tastiest water not exactly the safest water to drink. Need I remind you of the Great Drain of 08? Or how about the Cromium in the Valley?

Now you can get cancer but at least the water is tasty!

Makes you wonder though.... if Dasani is filtered local tap water... does that mean that Los Angeles Dasani is superior in taste than say..... San Francisco Dasani? In my opinion.... Hell Yes! Its baseball season folks, sorry about that digression but I'm just starting to get warmed up on hating the Giants.

Go Blue.

Pancakes for Charity

2008-02-11T18:49:00.001-08:00

IHOP restaurants nationwide are holding their 3rd Annual National Pancake Day fundraising event. Go into any IHOP location and receive a FREE short stack of pancakes from 7am to 10pm on Tuesday, February 12th. In exchange for the free pancakes, they are asking you to make a
donation in the donation box by the cash register. All money raised supports the local Younglings Miracle Network hospital. In the LA region, all of the money goes to help make miracles happen at Younglings Hospital Los Angeles.

Its over!

2008-02-07T19:08:00.001-08:00

FINALLY!

Former Disney CEO and current CNBC show host Michael Eisner, appeared on CNBC's Fast Money telling host Dylan Ratigan that the Writers Guild of America strike "is over."

"It's over. They made the deal, they shook hands on the deal. It's going, on Saturday, to the writers. A deal has been made. They'll be back to work very soon," Eisner predicted. "I know it's over."

"One thing that is great is, talent will win out. Talented writers will get new deals," Eisner said. "But for the short term it was a mistake."

After Eisner's appearance on CNBC, shares of Disney jumped 1% and shares of CBS Corp. jumped about 2% in after-hours trading.

Street Closures and political yuppies

2008-01-30T19:54:00.000-08:00

Avoid Hollywood Blvd tomorrow (Thursday) at all costs my young padawans. In fact, if you dont like traffic, avoid Hollywood all together. As many of you know and many of you dont, Thursday evening there will be a Democtratic debate at the Kodak Theater which I will most likely be in attendance to prevent anybody going down RFK style.

I refuse to express who my choice for president is and I refuse to place a bumper sticker on my AT-AT since those things are tough to peal off and I dont want to look like some people still driving around with "Dukakis in 88" stickers still stuck to their vans. But I can tell you that I will vote and encourage all eligible voters to brave the weather and brave the lines and vote.

Because of the security preparations for this event, I have been
advised that Hollywood Boulevard will be closed from Highland to
Orange, with a soft closure to LaBrea, from 9 a.m. to midnite on
Thursday, January 31. I am advised that Orange will be closed, also,
from Hollywood to Franklin.

Plan your travel day well and if you have to go down there and chant with all the other political yuppies, for yodas sake please take the metro!

Your favorite DJ's, favorite DJ's

2008-01-27T17:57:00.000-08:00

DJ's StoneRokk and Graham Funke have created a downloadable cd for your home entertainment. Now you don't have to go stand in line to catch the spinning and mixing skills of these two talented DJ's.

StoneRokk can be found spinnin' and sometimes strippin' at Crimson on Tuesdays, Les Deux on Wednesdays and S Bar on Sundays. All right here in Hollywood.

Graham Funke who is always flying around mixin it up all over the country can next be found in Hollywood at Hollywood & Highland Saturday February 9th along side StoneRokk.

Now if only they could mix in a little Max Rebo Band.

Coruscant Central Park.... err I mean Hollywood Central Park

2008-01-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

As many of you know I am a HUGE advocate of green space in LA and especially Hollywood in particular East Hollywood. Tomorrow morning the people behind the 101 Fwy Central Park which proposes to put a cap over the 101 freeway will be holding a community meeting at Selma Elementary to discuss the progress and possible future of the unprecedented 34 acres of green space to be created on top of the 101. Yes I said in top of the 101. Crazy you say? Not really. Its been done before as close as La Canada over the 210 but who gives a womprat about those places in the SGV anyways? These guys do.

This is your opportunity to do something and make a difference in your community and stop bitching about crime, lack of parks, how shitty LA is etc etc etc. I'm tired of hearing transplants talk about how great their hometown is. I'm sure many of you have your doubts and have many questions but don't knock it until you hear the explanations and answers. Some people think the park is a bad thing and blah blah blah blah blah and I only have one thing to say to those people.
To be honest, these people sound like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons when they start talking about fence height ordinances and variances and other bantha fodder like that. Dude, you people are old and you wont even be alive when the thing is finished, let us younger folks plan the future of this city. Besides, nobody really likes Grand Moff Tarkin and his cronies anyways.

This is the future of Hollywood and Los Angeles as a whole my young padawans. Hope to see you all there.

For more info on this meeting visit this link.

Rain?

2008-01-25T14:18:00.000-08:00

You call this a winter storm? Some people seem to be. I've gotten more wet opening a can of soda than this so called winter storm. Obviously you people have never been to Kamino.

Upgrade

2008-01-20T01:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out in my AT-AT in search of an upgrade on my R2 unit. My current one had a bad motivator and had been giving me some problems lately. I stopped by a toshi station and looked around, worked with a few of the units and decided I didnt need to upgrade my r2 unit.... I needed a protocol droid. After some bargaining and a few jedi mind tricks I walked away from the toshi station with a brand spankin new protocol droid. Dodger Blue naturally.

Hillary Dead!

2008-01-11T02:09:00.000-08:00

Thats Sir Edmund Hillary, not that anybody really cares now. I just wanted to post a title that caught your attention. If anything it gives my readers a chance to read up on a pretty cool guy.

Kiwi anyone?

Goodbye Johnny

2008-01-10T12:58:00.000-08:00

Hollywood's Honorary Mayor Johnny Grant has passed onto the netherworld of the force last night. Last night I had a late dinner with The Turd Burglar at 25 degrees which is located at the Roosevelt Hotel when I noticed many cameras and news vans reporting. I was not aware of such a sad moment going on upstairs in Johnny Grants suite.

Having met Johnny on several occasions at distinct functions which commemorated senior volunteers in Hollywood, Star unveiling's, and Chamber of Commerce meetings, I can say he was delightful man who until recently always remembered my name and who I was. He would say "Jedi, the streets are safer with you in them." Jedi Master Garcetti was quoted saying "Johnny Grant was Hollywood's greatest star," he brought Hollywood the industry and Hollywood the neighborhood together. He was at the center of the story of Hollywood"

He will be missed.

Oh btw, my burger was nectareous.

Bart Simpson said it best...

2008-01-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

"I didn't do it"

Last night during all the rain and wind, a palm tree fell just down the street from the Jedi Temple. I know what you are all thinking, and no, this was not me going into another fit of Force Rage. In fact last night the Force was drained out of me slowly to the point of utter uselessness until I walked home this afternoon and saw this. The palm tree narrowly missed a land speeder that belongs to who I like to call, the Evil Sith Lord of my street. I tried as much as I could but the Force having been drained away by a lovely seductress last night limited my power. So I just called 3-1-1 and let them take care of it. A couple of the locals had already begun to remove the branches of the palm. Probably the most excitement they've seen all year.

In a fit of Force Rage....

2008-01-04T22:45:00.000-08:00

I did this! Don't bother asking what enraged me so much that I would do this to a poor street light on the corner of Santa Monica and Madison in front of the Cahuenga Branch Library in East Hollywood, just know that if you anger this Jedi, then you must pay the consequences.

Padawan defends mother

2008-01-03T14:48:00.000-08:00

An 11-year old boy defended his mother with his light saber as she was being beaten by a 30-year old man.

In my defense...

2008-01-03T14:41:00.000-08:00

as a Jedi I was helping the crew with the "clean-up on aisle Highland" (highland?). Somebody beat me to the post. Rest assured it will be clean by rush hour and the oncoming storm. Regardless, Northbound traffic on Highland should take Odin Street around the mess and onto the 101 via Cahuenga.

This makes the Baby Luke cry.

2008-01-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

Lemme start off by saying Happy New Year to all my padawans. I enjoyed a night around a warm hearth with some of my closest friends and jedi. Pictures soon.

The overabundance of silly cat websites like caturday, lolcat and icanhascheezburger where people photoshop pictures of cats with really bad grammar has hit a brand new low. Somebody has taken the good book and translated it into stupid cat speak.

This reminds me of the last time somebody tried to speak like an idiot and created a search engine for people who speak funny. Okay so its more of a website translator but you get what I mean.

May the Force be with most of you.

... and he recycles too!

2007-12-28T02:43:00.001-08:00

Jedi Master Box of cycling fame in this blog was published in the LA Times yesterday doing what he does best... advocating cycling! He'll be happy to know that I semi-ditched the land speeder for my very own speeder-bike. I am no longer as much of a polluter as I once was. Thank you Jedi Master Box for being such a strong voice in Hollywood. He even tells us where to recycle our old Christmas trees and how to get eco-friendly shit from it too like a fluorescent light bulb, free mulch and a tree!!!

Photographer Dies

2007-12-28T02:10:00.000-08:00

Robert Marshutz who was famous for taking pictures of Hollywood heavyweights during the 50's and 60's has past away at his home from pancreatic cancer. Many of his famous prints were made into posters, most notably those of Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. He was 78.

Post Xmas shopping

2007-12-27T17:33:00.000-08:00

Everybody has those few people you have to buy a Christmas present for but never really know when you will see them or maybe you have a family member that lives out of town and you wont see them for a while. Okay fine... how about a January birthday or..... the hell with this I'm just stalling. What is the worst present you've ever gotten from somebody? I would have to say, hand soap from some damn secret Santa jedi gift exchange. Quite frankly it sucks. Everybody is picky about soap. How it smells, how dry your hands get, anti-bacterial etc etc etc. Well I decided, I was going to give all those people that have ever gotten me a shitty present over the years some ex girlfriends included some hand soap! But this isn't any old regular 99 cent store brand that dissolves into powder after two uses. This really is hand soap. Not only will it creep the shit out of whoever opens the package but they will forever remember you for giving them hand soap. Now the coolest present you can ever give anybody. Purchase here. They are great to leave in your bathroom during house parties.

*orders are backed up until February so plan accordingly my young padawans.

6000 in Hollywood still without electricity

2007-12-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

Last nights gusts that reached 60 mph and dropped temperatures into the low 40's caused many residents in Los Angeles and especially residents of Hollywood, North Hollywood, Hollywood Hills, Echo Park, Los Feliz, Sylmar and Granada Hills to lose power.

Considerable damage was caused at the the Jedi Temple by debris from nearby palm trees being tossed around like an ewok by a Storm Trooper in the Battle of Endor. Even my bamboo reed fence will never be the same after being ripped out in several places.

Fortunately, forecasters say the winds will die down this afternoon leaving us to wonder how much trash was left and how much money the City saved by not having to trim our palm trees. Yoda knows they could always create some organic mulch with it later.

I've checked...

2007-12-27T01:04:00.000-08:00

and the midi-chlorians had absolutely nothing to do with this one!

Seriously though... eww.

The Militant Angeleno broke this story earlier today, Stu Nahan passed into the netherworld of the force today. So sad.

The Los Angeles Garrison of the Storm Troopers are searching for the killer of a 15 year old padawan. Nobody should have to die on Christmas Eve, especially a teenager.

May the Force be with most of you.

Hollywood Christmas, and Cholo Claus

2007-12-21T17:29:00.000-08:00

The 5th annual Hollywood Youth and Family Center Toy Giveaway was earlier today. With a line going out of the centers driveway and down the street onto Clinton Ave, Jedi Master Wynn of the HYFC was worried there might not be enough toys to last. He hoped for a miracle and he got one. Somehow the toys lasted just long enough for all children to receive a free toy.

Toys ranged from Snoopy books to Monopoly sets and helmets and knee pads. After receiving their gift, families were encouraged to take a picture with Cholo Claus pictured above. (notice the tattoos)

In other news...

2007-12-18T01:14:00.000-08:00

The East Hollywood Neighborhood Council voted 13-1-1 to recommend that 5124 De Longpre Ave. be preserved as a Cultural Historical Monument in the upcoming PLUM Committee meeting at City Hall. This recommendation will no doubt make the decision of the Jedi Council easier to make in favor of preservation. Kudos to you all who supported this.

For those of you who are not aware, there has been some controversy regarding this address for some time as I wrote about here. Apparently, according to one member of the Neighborhood Council, "... all attempts to contact the owner of the property failed. I personally went to her house but was unsuccessful in making contact with her." Lauren Everett, who leads the preservation effort, said the owner is very non communicative and only corresponds through her attorney, who was also unavailable for comment.

More info on Charles Bukowski can be found at:

Wiki
Metro Blogging
Bukowski.net

And I leave you with words of wisdom from Charles Bukowski's grave that he obviously learned from Jedi Master Yoda. "Don't Try" He was probably too drunk to finish the quote.

May the Force be with most of you.

Ike beats Tina to death!

2007-12-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

Too soon?

News Flash! Its effing cold outside!

2007-12-11T21:04:00.000-08:00

OK , OK, so my jedi counterparts in Cleveland and Pittsburgh might say otherwise but for us Angelenos and So Cal kids, nippy just doesnt quite say it. Its cold enough that people have possibly began to die from the cold late night temperatures.

One homeless man was found dead near Downtown earlier this week. I'm sure he would still be alive had he known that on Monday December 3rd, Eimago Inc in partnership with the Union Rescue Mission opened Winter Shelter Programs in West LA and Culver City for the cold Winter season totalling 310 beds which operate out of National Guard Armories. These are not walk-in shelters and do not want transients hanging around the parks and adjacent communities but rather prefer that the visiters meet the busses at designated locations

In addition, Eimago and the Union Rescue Mission will be operating 193 Winter Shelter beds/cots out of their main facility at 545 S. San Pedro Street in Downtown LA. Rumor had it that the Glendale Armory would be available but unfortunately it wont due to repairs being made. Fortunately, Burbank City Council voted 4-0 to open a 150 bed shelter there. Yay for warm hearted people.

Its a good bet that homeless people will not read this blog so I leave it up to all of you in the blogging community to spread this word out as far as you can to help these unfortunate people that would very likely freeze to death on our streets. Familiarize yourselves with the program and if you see a homeless person, let them know.

Give'em Detention

2007-12-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

Some kid shot himself in the leg in front of Hollywood High. He'll be fine, unlike this guy who got shot in the leg by robbers and died.

"Anybody ever see a pod race?"

2007-12-01T23:21:00.000-08:00

So last night I ventured out of Hollywood with Danica Talos to run an errand in Bel Air before the debauchery at a friends birfday celebration. As we were on our way back, heading Eastbound on Sunset when all of a sudden Danica loses control of her land speeder and begins to fishtail on the slick road eventually careening into opposing traffic and supposedly hitting some Toyota Corolla heading Westbound the momentum carried sideways towards a retaining wall which helped us make our eventual final stop.

Now, I said supposedly hit a Toyota Corolla because neither Danica nor I can recall feeling or hearing an impact. Nevertheless, the Corolla had substantial damage to its rear which could only be caused by another land speeder. His bumper was eventually found half a mile away. (did we really slide that far?)

Airbags were deployed, Danica went into a mild state of shock while I had a midi-chlorian rush getting me to make important life saving decisions in difficult situations. "No holes, no cuts, no missing limbs, okay, everybody is going to live. Lets divert oncoming traffic so they don't finish us off."

Had I been driving my superior Jedi skills would have helped us to avoid the accident but... shoulda coulda woulda. Everybody has 20/20 vision in hindsight. Actually, given the road conditions and the state of the land speeders pneumatics this accident was probably unavoidable. Aside from a sore wrist, neck and back I should be fine and ready to get back to my post Monday morning. Danica also suffered a mild wrist sprain and some soreness. Other than that we are both doing well. As for the land speeder, she will never see the road again after suffering too much damage.

May the Force be with you all.

Funny

2007-11-30T03:14:00.000-08:00

Just thought you should all know that the guy who claims I was stalking him a while back has reactivated comments on his blog. I just left him one. Here he is just in case you wanna check him out again. Do so at your own risk of falling asleep. I wonder if he shits himself when he sees I've commented again.

Historic Monument. Now its your turn, Jedi Council.

2007-11-29T13:52:00.000-08:00

Today in what was a chaotic scene in Room 1010 at City Hall, the Los Angeles Cultural Heritage Commission voted 3-1 to recommend 5124 De Longpre Ave in East Hollywood a Historical Monument.

Controversy has surrounded this address for some time as it was once the home of beat writer Charles Bukowski. Bukowski achieved notoriety late in his career, around the time he moved into the bungalow on 5124 De Longpre Ave which was also the titles of one of his poems "5124 De Longpre Ave/ somewhere between / alcoholism and / madness.” Recently, the owners of the property who are Jewish, planned to demolish the structure and claim that the home has no historical value and should not be recognized as such because Charles Bukowski had Nazi leanings and was of low moral character.

WTF!?

I'm sorry but even Jedi Master Mace Windu was a bad mutha fucka.

Metro Blogging Los Angeles declared him one of the 25 greatest dead Angelenos.

I truly hope that City Council approves declaring this bungalow a Historical Monument.

Besides that, Charles Bukowski, has been one of my favorite writers and most influential in my work (not as a jedi).

Speechless

2007-11-26T02:26:00.000-08:00

Have you ever asked yourself...'what would the big JC do?' I haven't... seeing as I'm a jedi and all, I always wonder what Yoda would do, but anyways, some people decided to start an interesting series interviewing A-list actors for an internet video project. This whole thing is a sort of fight the man kind of thing that SAG actors are doing in support of the current WGA strike. I find the whole concept pretty silly but some people find it fascinating. So.... since all the other bloggers decided to write a strike blog entry, here is mine. Peer pressure is the Dark Side.

# 3 in the "Speechless" series is Sean Penn. So I guess the burning question is 'What would Sean Penn do?'

Anybody know how to read lips?

Heres the rest of them. Enjoy

May the Force be with most of you.

Thanks, but no thanks.

2007-11-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

How cheesey is it when everybody starts being thankful for everything. "I'm thankful for the air we breathe every morning." Pulease! Gag me with a light saber why dont you? So in the holiday spirit, I will give you a list of things I am not thankful for.

In no particular order.

The Jedi Order for refusing to send along reinforcements making me deal with the problems in this town by myself making me jaded.

Some scum bucket who hit my land speeder in the Ralphs Docking Bay on Hollywood and Western then ran away.

The creepy guy I have to look at once a month (minimum) who reminds me of either the Unibomber or a Priest. (havent decided yet)

My Gizmo lost his head.

My maternal unit who despite my asking numerous times to stop, continues to water the lawn at noon.

Darth Dragonfly who began drinking and driving and poking smot again.

That poor guy I had to kick in the nuts.

Okay seriously though. I really am thankful that I have lots of alcohol and plan on drinking it all before the year is over.

Stay Safe Everybody and May the Force be with All of You. Even that creepy guy.... oh and that other creepy guy who thinks I'm stalking him.

What a bust.

2007-11-15T20:26:00.000-08:00

Last night I attended a free legal clinic in support of a good friend of mine who takes care of me when I get in some legal problems with Storm Troopers. None to report. Jedi Mind Trick still works like a charm.

Anywho, this free legal clinic was put on by the same guy who put on the Taste of Little Armenia Festival a few months ago in Hollywood and since this new event was also being held in Hollywood I thought, twice the reason to go. Unfortunatly not many people attended this free clinic as it was poorly advertised. The man in charge admitedly said he had hoped for higher numbers and didnt know how to do better outreach. Our mutual friend immediatly suggested he speak to me since I have a special knowledge of that community.

TWICE! I repeat. TWICE! The shithead blew me off. First he walked away and began speaking with somebody else, and then at the behest of our friend he listened and then changed the subject after I made a simple suggestion of taking the "Pro Bono" out of his advertising and call it FREE. I may be wrong but most laymen especially people of another culture who do not speak english or latin for that matter wont know what the hell they're talking about.

Here's a tip shithead, you want to work with the people and help people? Get off the high horse.

May the Force be with most of you.

Dont Get Busted!

2007-11-15T18:32:00.000-08:00

You may or may not have noticed but Los Angeles is in a drought. Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time we had some of the wet stuff. Yesterday, Mayor Tony brought back the Drought Busters, an elite team of six Storm Trooper working on behalf of the DWP. These Storm Troopers can be easily spotted driving Toyota Pruises (how ironic). These Troopers will drive around Los Angeles warning citizens who do not conserve water. Hopefully educate some of these people too. While watching the news on Telemundo (recently a fan) I understood the Drought Busters will beging their work in South LA. Is it just me or should these new Storm Troopers be hitting up the Westside and more lucrative neighborhoods where I see sprinklers runnning all afternoon? I wish I had taken my R2 Unit with me today when I had to run some unspecified errands at the Glendale Civic Center but I saw the sprinklers runnning outside Griffith Park on Riverside and Los Feliz. Shouldn't those have been off at 1pm? Thats just me.

May the Force be with most of you.

Busted*

2007-11-15T15:09:00.000-08:00

Barry Bonds who for years has been under special investigation by jedi and former jedi alike has finally been indicted today on perjury and obstruction of justice which if found guilty, Barroids could be looking at up to 35 years in prison. As a Dodgers Fan this comes as wonderful news but I take it with a grain of salt. This should have happened four years ago before he broke Hammerin' Hanks all time Home Run Record. Even before he broke the single season home run record of 70 set by another well known Bay Area juicer, Mark McGwire.

Recently Barry Bonds gave an interview discussing what was going to be done with his home run record breaking baseball saying "If that ball goes to the Hall of Fame with an asterisk, I wont go to the Hall of Fame. I will boycott the Hall of Fame." Well Barry, looks like the Hall of Fame is gonna boycott your juicin ass.

You heard it here first!

For more info read Game of Shadows.

May the Force be with most of you.

Fall Haiku

2007-11-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

Autumn has arrived
Manure you pour on front lawn
'hood now smell shitty

May the Force be with most of you.

Cyclist vs Jedi

2007-10-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm a cyclist advocate despite not biking much. I'm friends with Jedi Master Box & Jedi Mistress Box who bike everywhere they go, the Militant Angeleno and Will Campbell who do a lot of biking, heck, the Jedi Temple is around the corner from the Bicycle Kitchen and Orange 20 Bikes and I can be found quite often on Hel-Mel having gelato at Scoops or coffee at College Cafe. I respect the bikers right to the street and do what I can when I can to fight the injustice's against bikers, BUT, when a biker plows into my pedestrian (pedestrian?) ass while I'm on the sidewalk I have to ask... WTF mate?

I'm walking to my land speeder this afternoon on the sidewalk when I reach the street corner, a cyclist takes a high speed turn into me while on the sidewalk. He wasnt riding on the street but on the sidewalk going against the flow of traffic so even if he was on the street he would have been riding on the wrong side, he had no helmet and just plain wasnt even paying attention.

Despite getting nailed by both bike and biker I felt my Jedi reflexes helped me to avoid major injury so I immediatly went to attend to the biker who face planted into a public payphone. He got up clutching his head shouting at me.

"WTF man!? Why dont you watch what your doing!"

*cue scratched record*

"Excuse me sir but I was walking on the sidewalk. You plowed into me. You should not be on the sidewalk but rather on the street according to C.V.C. 21202. Now, I'm okay, I just want to make sure you are fine. "

"Fuck you man! My bike is all fucked up because of you . You need to pay to fix it!" (did I mention he looked like a gang banger?)

At this point of course my calm Jedi demeanor now slightly enraged by the Dark Side in me offered to take him to the Bicycle Kitchen where they could help him fix his bike. He refused and went off on another profanity laced tirade to which I responded with a swift kick in the nuts and walked to my land speeder.

This one idiot biker will not deter my support of bikers but hopefully will show bikers that there are some idiots out there that dont make the cause you are fighting for any easier.

May the Force be with most of you.

WTF wookie?

2007-10-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

Lights Out LA came and went and I turned the lights out in the Jedi Temple, did you? Apparently The Observatory lights are necessary. Don't forget City Hall where they seemed to be having a party and.... didn't The Los Angeles Times say turning your lights out for an hour was a good idea?

May the Force be with most of you.

Lights Out!

2007-10-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Nor Cal.

Don't forget my young padawans... Saturday night is Lights Out LA from 8-9pm. So help fight climate change with the flip of a switch. You can also start using energy efficient light bulbs like the one pictured. Here are a few more tips on how to save energy.

May the Force be with you all.

Pod Racing flashback

2007-10-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

I was driving my land speeder back to the Jedi Temple tonight from a secret mission in Burbank and decided to get off on Highland (Hyeland?) and take that down to a major East / West street and head home. At some point between the Hollywood Bowl and Franklin Ave. Department of Transportation closed off 3 lanes on Highland forcing me to make a right hand turn onto Franklin. Now... normally thats not a big problem but if you have ever driven down that street.... late at night.... you dont go the speed limit, in fact you flat out race your way down the hill. When you see a lane closure like that you tend to get a gradual closing off by having cones force you into the next lane. Whatever dwarfnut set up those cones tonight, closed off three lanes in about 50 feet. Okay... three lanes in 50 feet... I can do that... no problem. Three lanes in 50 feet going 55mph.... I can do that... a bit scary but okay. Now.... three lanes in 50 feet doing 55mph alongside 10 other cars also going 55mph trying to make the same adjustments you are.... FAWKING CRAZY! I'm sure I knocked over at least one cone and must have come centimeters from hitting other land speeders and micrometers from banging mirrors with another.

Good thing I have Jedi reflexes.

Be careful out there my young padawans.

May the Force be with most of you.

The Force is not with this guy pt. 2

2007-10-17T17:43:00.001-07:00

So a week later and I'm still being talked about by that scruffy nerf-herder Russell Smith. He even talks about me in one of his boring ass videos.

success!

That is all.

May the Force be with most of you.

The NoI

2007-10-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

Improv comedy is a misunderstood art. Many people I know love to laugh, love comedy but for some reason are afraid of improv. They seem interested in going to a comedy show but as soon as they find out that it is improv comedy, they shy away and renege on going. They fear being ridiculed or put on the spot when that could not be any farther from the truth. Improv is one of the most difficult forms of comedy in which the only audience interaction is a simple suggestion for the actors to work with. Oh and to laugh as the hilarity ensues as the troupe begins to play.

One such group is Nation of Improv. An all black improv troupe, they call themselves "The funniest collection of black people since 'Good Times' got canceled." I must agree.

Last week, Nation of Improv began a five week run at The Asylum Theater in Hollywood, playing every Saturday night at 10pm. Nation of improv will no doubt make you laugh till it hurts leaving you gasping for air, wiping tears from your face and clutching your side. I strongly recommend seeing them during this run in Hollywood.

Red 6 standing by.

2007-10-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

A group of people with enough knowledge of chemicals and explosives to make even Timothy McVeigh say "whoa" decided they wanted to create their own fully functional X-Wing. The 21 foot long X-Wing with moving wings and a built in R2-D2 is fueled by 4 solid fuel rocket engines has a wingspan of 19 feet and is big enough to fit a child in. They didnt quite figure out how to land the fighter so they installed parachutes to help it land gently back on Earth.

The team decided to launch it a few days ago in Plaster City, which is well known for launching random fodder into the sky. The launch went well and for a while had me saying, "Stay on target! Stay on target!" until out of nowhere.... well..... I'll just let you see for yourselves.

May the Force be with most of you.

The Force is not with this guy.

2007-10-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

So apparently I'm a stalker now.

There is this guy who writes two Hollywood blogs and to be quite frank they are extremely boring. Both are on blogspot except one seems to have morphed into a video log of what he sees from his window that he calls A View From My Window (cheap knock off of viewfromaloft). This man is obviously not Force sensitive because his posts all seem to bore me to sleep with his monotone voice and uninteresting rants about cranes. I've left him a few comments because I felt bad for the guy seeing as he posts everyday and nobody ever leaves him comments and he's in Hollywood so perhaps I was showing signs of weakness by being nice to the guy. Anywho... I finally got tired of listening to his pathetic rants and told him how I felt. Now he's calling me a stalker!

All I did was call him a sack of bantha fodder!

Thank you Russell whoever the hell you are, I will always be able to read your blog when I have trouble sleeping. It is guaranteed to knock me the fuck out.

Yes, East Hollywood is real.

2007-10-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

I've been hearing from a lot of different people lately that they don't believe East Hollywood is real.

"Master Jedi! Master Jedi! Is it true that East Hollywood is not a real neighborhood?"

No my young padawan. East Hollywood was certified as an official neighborhood council on April 19th, 2007.

"Master Jedi! Master Jedi! People keep trying to ignore what East Hollywood stands for. "

No my young padawan. East Hollywood will always be the most diverse community in Los Angeles.

"Master Jedi! Master Jedi!" People are calling East Hollywood "a bunch of secessionists! Is that true?"

No my young padawan. If East Hollywood was trying to secede like those jerks in the Valley then why would City Council President, Jedi Master Garcetti officially recognize the neighborhood in public and even assign a field deputy to East Hollywood?

"Master Jedi! Master Jedi! People think East Hollywood is a joke!"

Do not listen to them my young padawan. They obviously don't believe in its rich history, cultures, diversity and all inclusive openness to people from all over the world.

"Thank you Master Jedi!"

Bikers want district

2007-10-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

If you read my blog enough you know I support cyclists and just about anything they want as far as rights and places to lock up bikes in public places issues with Storm Troopers and so on. The Militant Padawan tipped me off to a blog where bikers want to create a bicycle district inside of East Hollywood. Now, at first I thought "What a great idea! This would bring more attention to an otherwise attentionless community." After taking a closer look, these guys have no idea what they are talking about. To form a "Bicycle District" would be unprecedented but if and when it ever comes to fruition it needs to be done in an area that serves more bikers, has more bicycle lanes and has more bicycle related shopping.

Two bike shops in less than one square block does not warrant an entire bicycle district, hell it doesnt warrant a bicycle corridor or a bicycle alley. I do agree that the Hel-Mel (Heliotrope and Melrose) corner is a fascinating area located in East Hollywood with awesome places like Scoops Gelato, Pure Luck Restaurant, Fake Art Gallery, Sacred Fools Theater, Mondo Video a Go Go and other small shops that needs to be exposed to the rest of the city. So with that in mind...

Padawan Will Campbell who is well known as a biker, suggested making that bustling street corner a square. Bikers Square. That would help make the bikers happy, probably keep Orange 20 Bikes and The Bicycle Kitchen from ever moving away, and bring more art, culture and fine dining to the surrounding areas. A district however is far too big to make any kind of an affect on the economy or population of that area.

Supporters of this proposed Bicycle District one in particular who by his own admittance has "been putting useless crap on the internet since 1994" seem to not have any clue as to the history, ethnic or economic background, current workings of or community leaders of this great community. Hell they don't even know that they are in East Hollywood.

Advice from a Jedi. Do a little research before you post something that millions of people can read. People like this are the reason we have people living in ignorance... because they report ignorantly.

May the Force be with most of you.

Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

2007-09-30T01:13:00.000-07:00

Saturday night after having some land speeder trouble I made my way down to the Italian Feast of San Gennaro in Hollywood with good friend the Silent Android on the Metro. After making a small pit stop at the Hollywood and Western stop we ran into old friend and champion of biker speeder rights Jedi Master Box of all people. We informed him of our destination and proceeded to make our way towards the festival.

Once we arrived there we encountered a maze of smells leading us in many different directions. We had to chose what kind of Italian food we wanted to stand in line for. Pizza, cannoli's, espressos, calzones, gelato, sausage and meatballs, Italian ice, mozzarella cheese etc etc etc seemed to be everywhere. The lines seemed to be everywhere too. The shortest lines were for some cannolis made by Storm Troopers and Rocos Pizza. You know... the guys that set up shop in Vitos old place in East Hollywood.... yeah those guys. Vito's line was twice as long if not more. You rock Vito!

Anywho, I digress. We had those cannolis which weren't great but weren't bad they just were. The Italian Ice was awesome. The gelato was not chalky like it is at some gelato shop in Silver Lake, in fact it was pretty good.

We listened to Italian music, ate some Italian food, learned some Italian history in LA and we ran into a Roller Derby Skater Fighter acquaintance of mine. Los Angeles truly is an amazing city.

Cannoli Place

Cheesy decorations look like X-mas

They were selling lightsabers to non Force Sensitive people! I stopped them.

May the Force be with most of you.
"Don't forget the cannoli."

I have succumbed...

2007-09-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

to the Dark Side. I bought Crocs. This doesn't make me a total hipster does it? I was just getting tired of those damn jedi boots.
Feet are happy now.

Storm Troopers are at it again

2007-09-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

I ask you. What is wrong with this picture?

This time they were not serving a search warrant, they were hand cuffing Jedi Master Box and his wife.(wife? thats not the Jedi way!) Anyways, Jedi Master Box was attacked by a local bus driver the other night and Storm Troopers (as usual) got a contorted view of the events and hand cuffed the innocent victim then proceeded to hand cuff his wife for telling them they were cuffing the wrong person.

*note to self. Never tell Storm Troopers how to do their job.

I'm beginning to get the feeling that Storm Troopers are just another street gang only they have badges that give them the authority to be assholes and shoot people.

Apparently cyclist's are road hazards now.

*not to self. Find that bus driver and ask her is she enjoys running over cyclists.

We still have a long way to go to make the streets of Hollywood and Los Angeles safe for everybody.

May the force be with most of you.
except stupid bus drivers.

wait... Dick is Lukes father now?

2007-09-21T22:33:00.000-07:00

In a funny story that I could hardly stop laughing at, Presidential hopeful Hilary Rodham Clinton called Vice President Dick Cheney, Darth Vader.

Now, by no stretch of the imagination would it be difficult to assume that Senator Clinton believes that Tricky Dick is skilled in the Dark Side of the Force to which I assume she considers herself on the Light Side of the Force. I can assure you my young padawans, she is no Jedi.

Truth is Darth Vader really wasn't as strong with the Force as everybody thought.

May the Force be with most of you.

George! You are my father!

2007-09-17T14:40:00.001-07:00

On October 3rd at the Arclight Cinema on Sunset, George Lucas will be presenting his space opera to a few lucky people as part of AFI's 40th Anniversary.

AFI will be presenting 11 classic movies each introduced by a member of the cast or its director. Needless to say The Hollywood Jedi will be there to meet his maker and watch the Death Star get blown up by a bunch of fuckin' teenagers.

May the Force be with most of you.

Swashbuckling Jedi Day!

2007-09-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

Its that time of year again when people start acting like pirates again. Yes folks, swashbucklers converge on Studio City Tattoo celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day. Buccaneers, pirates and swashbucklers from all over Southern California, San Francisco and even Oregon will gather in Studio City Wednesday, Sept. 19, to celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

They'll convene from noon to midnight at Studio City Tattoo “Ye Olde Tattoo Shoppe," 11032 Ventura Blvd. The event is free and open to the public.

Talk Like a Pirate Day is celebrated by millions of people throughout the United States and around the world on all seven continents – even at the South Pole! It's a day when – just like the name says – people are encouraged to swash their buckles and talk like a pirate.

This is the third year Ye Olde Tattoo Shoppe has hosted a Talk Like a Pirate Day celebration, and each year the event gets bigger. This year's event includes live music by Captain Kula’s Pirate Band, pirate lightsaber fights, fire breathing, and an appearance by the founders of the holiday themselves – John "Chumbucket" Baur and Mark "Cap’n Slappy" Summers, from Albany,OR.

Baur and Summers are two friends who started Talk Like as Pirate Day as a joke, then, as they say, "took the idea way too far." Since their idea first came to the world's attention in 2002 they've had a book published, have performed in Las Vegas, San Francisco, Seattle and New Orleans, their Web site – www.talklikeapirate.com – has taken tens of millions of hits, and they've appeared (with Baur's wife, Mad Sally) on ABC's "Wife Swap." They will be signing copies of their book, "Pirattitude!" during the event.

yaarggghh May the Force be with most of ye. Yarrghh!

New park then the ball park

2007-09-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I felt good enough to venture out in my land speeder for some business and pleasure. First off I was informed by the Militant Padawan about the grand opening of a new park in Historic Filipinotown. Seeing as I am clearly not interested at all in park space I couldn't miss the opportunity to mingle with city officials to bring more parks to Hollywood.

After speaking with Los Angeles Jedi Council President, Jedi Master Garcetti and a couple of his padawans about a proposed project to bring a Recreation Center to East Hollywood, I approached Tsilah Burman who is the Executive Director of the Los Angeles Neighborhood Land Trust about bringing about working together to bring a park to this part of town too . Just the people who can help me and my personal Jedi agenda. Seeing as I am in good standing with all these people and they seem to have a soft spot for Hollywood they agreed to help in any way they could and even mentioned my dedication to the cause as an inspiration. Yay for me.

This new park is nestled in one of the richest cultural areas in the city and in front of the largest Filipino Mural in the country. The ceremony was short and sweet by the above mentioned city officials including Mark Mariscal, the Superintendent of the Dept. of Recreation and Parks and a friend of the Hollywood Jedi, in order to get the children out of the hot sun and into the brand spankin new jungle gym where the kids could sweat some more and dehydrate themselves into a heat stroke. No worries, water was available.

Here is a video of the ribbon cutting.

Soon after the ribbon cutting I jumped back in my land speeder and headed back to my Jedi Temple and to eat some ethnic food and rehydrate before heading out to the Ravine with some non Force Sensitive friends to catch the boys in blue put a wookiee sized ass whoopin on the Snakes from Arizona.

Larry Lucy Live

2007-09-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

The Los Angeles Jedi Council voted to rename the block around the CNN building in Hollywood, "Larry King Square".

Also, the Los Angeles Jedi Council voted that the the corner of Plymouth and Melrose in Hollywood would be renamed "I love Lucy Square".

I wonder when will we get Tie Fighter square in Thai Town?

I think its time for dinner at Lucys El Adobe Cafe.

May the Force be with most of you.

OMG Explosion!

2007-09-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

The Hollywood Jedi has been painfully sick all week and has rarely left the Jedi Temple aside from a side trip with the Militant Padawan to Vitos and to meet up with Jedi Master Box for some Jedi Council bussiness. At the conclusion of all these minor events I would return to the Jedi Temple and try and regain my strength. So as to not keep you all out of the loop as to what has been going on in Hollywood I read up on other bloggers info and came up with this piece you should all read.

Hope everybody is doing well and wish me a speedy recovery. If you are wondering whats wrong with me, I seem to be having problems with those pictured right.

May the Force be with most of you.

You don't need to see my search warrant,

2007-09-10T17:02:00.001-07:00

In an ongoing story, Jedi Master Box who has brought us the story of the Beverly Hills Storm Trooper incident has taken a turn for the..... distasteful.

Friday afternoon the Beverly Hills Storm Troopers served LAist with a search warrant after last weeks article.

quote from LAist:
"The warrant states that the police are to search the author's information and any relevant IP associations (even though the author was with the police on Thursday morning) and all IP addresses with date/time stamps for all comments posted before and after the the warrant was served. The police suspect there may be a correlation in IP addresses from LAist's comments and the e-mail address the threat was made with."

The Hollywood Jedi will not stand for this injustice and will forever give them and the city of Beverly Hills as much shit as I can possibly give them whether its with my keyboard, my bike, my car, my light saber. (fyi that cannot be constituted as a terrorist threat you fucking pigs so don't come serve my ass with a warrant either). And no pulling me over cos I'm brown again either!

Fire Meanie Strikes Back!

2007-09-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning I was doing a bit of work over by Plummer Park In West Hollywood when I noticed a plume of smoke. Naturally I headed over to see what the situation was. Not a second after I began walking there I heard sirens and then more sirens and then even more sirens. Geez, this must be a big one I said. Let me see if I can offer some jedi assistance.

As soon as I arrived I saw smoke and flames coming from a two story apartment building. I noticed an elderly couple who were in need of some medical assistance and flagged a fireman over who helped the elderly gentleman who seemed to have been passed out. After the fire department put out the fire the elderly gentleman seemed to loose control and began fighting with local Storm Troopers.

Five storm troopers and the elderly violentman were taken to a hospital for smoke inhalation.

Cyclists vs BHPD & Motorists

2007-09-08T01:27:00.000-07:00

In a story first brought to us by Jedi Master Box in LAist.com where a motorist attacked a bicyclist in Beverly Hills with his SUV, it appears that Jedi Master Box and his army of speeder bikers once again helped make a difference it making our streets safer for cyclists and pedestrians (pedestrian?) alike. In a planned protest against the Beverly Hills Storm Troopers who cited the cyclist and not the motorist in a ludacris act of ignorance and plain stupidity, the Midnight Ridazz stormed the commission demanding equal rights for peds and cyclist alike.

After all was said and done justice is on its way with the commission declaring it will make an effort to fix such problems that they being a small city with big city problems have. Of course it wouldn't be a trip into the 90210 which oh by the way is the most dangerous city to be a pedestrian in and judging by some of the women I see driving their SUV's on Santa Monica Blvd I can totally see why, without another attack on a cyclist only this time "Road Rage Guy" was apprehended.

Score one for the good guys!

Jena Six

2007-09-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

I received a distress call from a colleague of mine down in Louisiana who asked me to look into this case and give him my thoughts on how to approach the situation and what he could do to mediate the problem and and help ease the racial tension. Seeing as I currently live in the most diversely populated city on the planet, I gave him my thoughts which will remain private due to the delicate content involved. I also agreed to help spread the awareness of the situation whether it was pro or con to the Jena Six. So I ask you to do a bit of research yourselves and if you find it a worthy cause help spread the word and the awareness. I will not try to sway you in either direction but this situation deserves more attention nation and world wide.

Since I know none of you will do any research on it I will provide you with a list of links.

Democracy Now
Petition Online
Jena Six.org
You Tube
Truth Out.org
Wiki
I am not ashamed
Color of Change

X-Wing Flying

2007-09-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

I've been wasting my day away flying paper X-Wings.

Jedi Training Grounds

2007-09-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

So in my previous post I mentioned the lack of park space in Hollywood not to mention the lack of parking space.

Well a few devoted people will make parking a bit more difficult in LA for a day in order to help the higher cause. What is the higher cause you ask? Parks of course, you silly nerf-herders! On September 21st devoted Angelenos will take over metered parking spaces in Los Angeles and create mini parks on them (while feeding the meter naturally) in order to open a dialogue with City officials about the lack of green space in the city. This is an amazing idea and The Hollywood Jedi will not try to influence you with his Jedi mind trick but as many of you out there as possible should do the same. If you need more information check out Park(ing) Day LA.

While I'm on the topic of lack of park space, I should mention that the city has been making an effort of late remedy this problem. For example, in January of this year the Los Angeles City Council approved $100,000 in funding for a park feasibility study to create an unprecedented 24 acres of new green space all in one location. Where you ask? Good question. I have answers. The project is called the "Hollywood Freeway Central Park" which will build a deck on top of the 101 Freeway from Bronson Avenue to Wilton Place in Hollywood. Yes folks you read right.... a deck... on top. This is a great idea that will use those much discussed Quimby funds and will give Hollywood its very own lung giving its residents and business owners fresh air as opposed to the poison our padawans are currently breathing. They might as well suck the tail pipe of my land speeder.

Another project currently in the works and many of you will probably say "huh? what?" The LA River Project. This is a non profit group dedicated to the conservation of the river and making its a fun place to visit and enjoy a day at rather than that cement canyon snaking its way through LA County. Check it out its good stuff.

All these new projects should receive extra funding from huge companies in Los Angeles like The CIM Group who likes to create more density and traffic and not give these people they will eventually house a decent park to take a walk in. Think about that wealthy contractors of LA!

The city needs more places like this for us to go to.

May the Force be with most of you.

Chinese Theater Sold!

2007-09-04T00:14:00.000-07:00

The iconic theater was sold today to the CIM Group of Los Angeles by Damon Runyon Cancer Research Center of New York and Barlow Respiratory Hospital of Los Angeles (who made Darth Vaders iron lung) for an undisclosed and no doubt huge amount of Republic Credits.

The CIM Group, Hollywoods largest commercial land lord, who also owns the Hollywood and Highland (hye-land?) complex located right next door to Graumans, has said they have no plans to change the Chinese Theater, and Mann who holds a long time lease on the theater still plan to use the theater to show movies.

Other properties owned by CIM are the Renaissance Hotel, Mann Chinese 6 Theatre multiplex and the Galaxy building . CIM is planning on converting the Sunset and Vine Tower into 59 Luxury apartments and 7000 sq ft. of retail space (pictured). To which I ask where are the fucking parks!? (Shameless plug) I wonder.... If the city of Los Angeles is allowing all these new apartment structures and condos do go up while obviously taking the Quimby funds and not putting them to any good use, why not have the city propose to some of these major developing firms to purchase a chunk of land in the city and donate it making it a tax deduction so that the city can use those Quimby funds to build a recreation center and not stand around with a thumb up their ass!?

But... I digress... and this will be picked up soon in another blog entry. Back to the Chinese Theater.

No doubt ground zero for Los Angeles' and Hollywoods tourist population the theater has tons of history. Built in 1923 by Sid Grauman it holds over 1100 seats. It is home to the famous hand and foot prints in cement which by the way will always have Darth Vader, C3PO and R2D2 prints in cement.

Lately the Chinese has seen some very interesting random moments, for example Shrek fighting with Busta Rhymes , and some random wookie sexually assaulting Marliyn Monroe! To be honest none of that bantha fodder really surprises me. Except for the wookie thing. They don't ever go for humans, in fact they stick to their own species. Personally I think Marilyn is full of shit.

May the Force be with most of you.

Oh yeah... The LA Ice Cream Party today was pretty cool too.

The New Beverly Cinema

2007-09-02T04:16:00.001-07:00

Tonight I was joined again by Darth Dragonfly who suggested we patrol West of La Brea. I knowthat is not Hollywood anymore and is considered Mid City West. Where do they come up with these names? Seeing as I'm (as far as I know) the only Jedi in L.A, I feel it my responsibility to extend my boundaries as I see fit.

Before leaving for Mid City West, were-energized ourselves at a local Mexican eatery. After eating we went for desert at a local gelato shop owned by Viceroy Tai Kim of the Trade Federation. Viceroy Tai Kim had promised to help with a donation to The Great LA Ice Cream Party which I am an official Ice Cream Ambassador to. His donation will serve the Opportunity Drawing which everyone is automatically entered in just for attending. So if you like free Ice Cream and aren't going to Universal Studios this Monday, this is the event to be at.

I saw it fit to work around the New Beverly Cinema for a while. Nothing like keeping Orthodox Jews safe as they walk home from Shabbat. It just so happened that the New Beverly Cinema had a double feature by world renowned Chilean director Alexandro Jodorowsky. We decided to do some patrolling inside while El Topo and The Holy Mountain were shown. Nothing happened during the film aside from a couple kids laughing at blood, guts and gore and an elderly couple walked out after spending 30 minutes inside a really bad acid trip consisting of Jesus, tits and a future war against those vile and evil Peruvians. Peruv(ian)?

Heading back to the Jedi Temple, I noticed my speeder was emitting odd amounts of poison and toxic fumes from the rear end so we stopped to get it checked out at the Smog Cutter.

Upon entering the seediest cantina in the galaxy, which smelled like dry octopus, beer, piss and vomit we ordered our drinks, listened to some bad karaoke, (apparently it was Huey Lewis night) watched some bad pool players, and we were approached by a woman who was very friendly and enjoyed talking to us. We had conversations ranging from Huey Lewis, dry octopus to architecture and her regularity in that cantina which she was sure was in "South Silverlake".

Okay... First of all its spelled Silver Lake, thats two words, second of all, there is no South Silver Lake, and last but not least, Smog Cutter is in East Hollywood! I forgave her since she was an Outer Rim transplant.

May the Force be with most of you.

End of an Institution II

2007-08-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

The Old Spaghetti Factory on Sunset Blvd between Bronson Ave and Gordon Street has closed its doors forever.

Word is they'll be tearing the place down later this year to begin building condos, probably with retail stores on the ground floor. I don't understand this new trend in Los Angeles of erecting condominium complexes in commercial areas but I guess some people like living over a Walgreen's in a heavy traffic area.

I feel fortunate enough to say that I had dinner here a few times and quite recently with a long time friend Jedi Master Fox. Not to be confused with Jedi Master Box and his army of speeder bikers.

Although I cant say I was crazy about the place, I can say that a piece of history and many memories will soon be demolished.

May the Force be with most of you.

End of an Institution

2007-08-31T19:19:00.000-07:00

In 1993, Universal Studios Hollywood unveiled its first ever high (hye?) tech thrill ride. Sadly, this Labor Day weekend will be the last time Doc and Marty take fans on an adventure through time in that famous DeLorean.

Back to the Future the ride will be shut down forever to make room for Universals new The Simpsons Ride scheduled to open in the Spring of 2008. The new ride will reportedly take fans on a thrill ride through Krusty Land.

If you get a chance this Labor Day weekend and have never experienced the Back to the Future ride, take a day trip and catch a ride in time before its gone. You wont regret it.

May the Force be with most of you.

Jabba plays for the Evil Empire?

2007-08-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

Shouldn't surprise me really.

Okay, Okay, so its not really Jabba the Hutt, in fact thats not even how you spell the kids name but as I was doing some reconnaissance work scouting out the Evil Empire I heard them say "Jabba" and I got concerned. I thought Princess Leia had slain the evil Hutt back on Tattooine during the Showdown at the Pit of Carkoon. After further investigation, I learned the terrible truth. Joba (pronounced Jabba) Chamberlain is a rookie relief pitcher for the Evil Empire. He looks like a slimmed down version of the gangster hutt and would not surprise me if this was the offspring of Jaba himself. This kid is 6'2" weighs a hefty 230 and throws about 100mph. In his limited time in the majors he has not allowed a run and has struck out 14 in 8 innings! Sick. Just plain sick. Kid has a future ahead of him. But my main concern is...

Who the fuck names their kid after a giant slug!?

May the Force be with most of you.

Wampas drink it too!

2007-08-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

The other day I was visited by a long time friend Jedi Master Lamoreaux who is stationed in the outter rim and I had not seen in months. After catching up for a while we returned to the Jedi Temple to sample some of my Johrian Whiskey. After taking a couple of sips he pointed out that my private stock was lacking my favorite Sarlacc kicker and was displeased with me. I pointed out that my last bottle had been consumed by myself and my friend whom I still have the "padmes" for on a camping trip. He did not accept my excuse and we moved on to talking about baseball. Personally I like Grav-ball better.

The next day I went to my local Cantina Supply Store to purchase a bottle of Sarlacc kicker. While wandering around the store I spotted a bottle of Wild Tauntaun Rare Breed. I must admit I was curious by the fact that it was advertised as Wampa Strength which would keep any creature warm on Hoth. After debating whether I had enough Republic Credits to purchase both bottles I decided I needed to splurge a bit so I bought both.

As soon as I returned to the Jedi Temple I had to have a taste and let me tell you that, that extra 16.2% alocohol really does make a diffrence. After a sip or two I was sure my esophogus lining had been burned away. It felt like somebody turned a lightsaber on in my throat. It was awesome! I bet they wish they had this stuff on Echo Base.

Wild Tauntan: When you absolutely have to stay warm on Hoth

Wild Tauntaun Rare Breed: What wampas drink to stay warm

May the Force be with most of you.

Patrolling Hollywood Blvd

2007-08-17T15:46:00.001-07:00

Last night I went on patrol of the Blvd with my long time friend Darth Diamond. We encountered an unusual lack of docking bay space for our transport and attributed it to local parking Stormtroopers closing off the entire south bound side of Ivar to who knows what. I was not in the mood to investigate. In fact the only investigating either of us felt like doing was that of the women in short dresses and high heels. Having been distracted by one such woman on the corner of Hollywood and Cosmo we decided to walk into the Comedy Club there to make sure all was well and slythmongers weren't trying to sell innocent patrons any Death Sticks.

While inside the club I ran into a group of friends who happen to be performing there that night in the weekly cage match. We purchased a couple of drinks and went in to watch the show who's winner is decided by audience votes. Simple task when you have a Jedi on your side and most people there are weak-minded fools.

At the end of the show I employed the Jedi Mind Trick to convince the majority of the people sitting around me to vote for my friends who obviously with the help of my force skills won.

After the show we continued our patrol heading West-bound on the blvd. Darth Diamond having been a transplant from another time is still new to the whole Hollywood organism and enjoyed hearing about my 26 years of experience living here pointing out businesses that are staples in Hollywood like Hollywood Toy and Costume Shop, Supply Sergeant and Musso & Franks Grill.

After we scarfed down a couple slices of pizza we began to head back to our transport when we spotted Hover Transport ships lighting what was obviously a scene of some crime or disturbance. We went to investigate.

By the time we arrived, Stormtroopers had already dispatched the perpetrator and were mopping up a few minor details much like these guys do. After making sure all was in order we returned to our transport and headed back to the Jedi Temple for a good nights rest.

May the Force be with most of you.

Attack at the Jedi Temple!

2007-08-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

Last night while on patrol at the Jedi Temple I cought glimpse of a fire. I ran and saw that some rogue padawan had used his lightsaber to light a trash compacter full of recyclables on fire. I immediately alerted my R2 unit to call the Coruscant Rescue Ops to put out the danger. In the meantime I found the nearest hose and did what I could. By the time the fire brigade had managed to send an Emergency Firespeeder I had put out most of the danger.

May the Force be with most of you.

The GHP

2007-08-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I represented my local Jedi Council at a Coalition of Jedi Councils meeting. The topic of discussion was traffic and docking bay space. As I arrived I noticed I was probably the youngest member of the council and I respect older masters but they soon will disappear and become one with the force and I don't want them planning the future of Hollywood if they wont be around to see it. So part of me went to represent my Jedi Council and yet another part of me went to represent my interest in the future of this city.

The meeting was called to order and immediately I sensed the facilitator was a stickler for the rules and "under the payroll of the GHP." A small contingent of young Jedi were in fact present and I felt could help sway the balance of power. To my dismay they seemed to be affected by someones Jedi Mind Trick because for an hour of nonsense they did not seem to speak up despite obvious frustration at the GHP.

This first hour of the meeting was spent discussing what this meeting was supposed to be about. Wait what? Exactly. You would think if somebody would take the time to invite members of the Jedi Councils to talk about traffic and docking bay space then obviously that must be the central topic. Instead the GHP wanted to talk about planning another meeting and the actual definition of "town hall".

Finally after an hour of respectfully declining to comment, a Jedi Master who will remain anonymous in order to protect him from the evil GHP urged me to speak up and bring the madness to an end. So I did.

I asked the GHP "why have we spent the last hour getting absolutely nothing accomplished and the fact that this meeting is so insanely boring, I'm surprised some of you old timers have managed to stay awake. We have an agenda and that is obviously what we came here to discuss and find a way to address the issues, but quite frankly we haven't even discussed what the actual problem is."

I almost immediately received applause from the young contingent after the GHP stuttered and stumbled to form a response to this most unexpected intelligent comment, but before they could respond I ( being a Dark Jedi and having rather enjoyed the spotlight) continued to rip the evil members of the GHP with solutions to the problems. Solutions that they no doubt found beneath them. Solutions like taking a public transport rather than their own private transport, walking, biking and even leaving the heavily populated Hollywood area. I brought up a the Wise Jedi Master Box (no not Jack-in-the) who everybody in that room has the utmost respect for and how he manages to handle all his business without ever taking up a spot in the docking bay or adding to the traffic on the streets. The evilest of the GHP however pretended not to know who he was. Bitch!

As I continued to rip new assholes in the Council Chambers after my comments were acknowledged but obviously ignored when the GHP reverted back the biggest question of the day "I'm still not understanding what you mean by Town Hall Meeting", the facilitator of this meeting (the same one under the GHP payroll) rolled his eyes at me! Now... when you roll your eyes at someone mid-speech, more often then not the speaker continues and at the end of the meeting addresses the person privately. I on the other hand was not deterred by this obvious show of disrespect and stopped to address him right then. Obviously with all eyes on me nobody in the Council Chamber saw this but I made sure everybody knew what he did and after he denied it pointed out that he had indeed done so and told him not to do it again. He insisted he didn't but before he finished I said "Your powers are week old man." He kept his mouth shut the rest of the evening and never made eye contact with me again.

After the meeting I was showered with thank yous and congratulations and business cards. Hopefully this will let people know that I am not the Dark Jedi to be fucked with.

May the Force be with most of you.

Sabotage!

2007-08-15T00:13:00.000-07:00

Somebody sabotaged my land speeder!

Luckily I went to a local repair shop and they patched me right up for a grand total of 10 republic credits. Friendly staff, fast working, and they didn't even try to sell me new repulsorlifts for my old beat-up land speeder.

Attaked!

2007-08-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

So theres this new street cat I dubbed Count Dooku because every time I see him he's creepin around doing some serious dark side shit. He's also half black half white which always reminds me of Darth Tyranus because he was once part of the light side of the force and then succumbed to the dark side of the force He seems like an old school Heathcliff kinda alley cat that sharpens his claws on tires, pisses on peoples windshields, slammin into peoples bedroom windows and leaving his midiclorian count inside other street cats.

Apparently yesterday Count Dooku and my cat Anakin got in a brawl leaving my cat maimed and wounded. I guess the force was not with him this time.

May the Force be with most of you.

Late Night Jedi Missions

2007-08-13T01:45:00.000-07:00

Last night after a long night protecting the city from the Al-Anon 's I was in desperate need of some Jawa Juice. I located my old friend Darth Dragonfly who apparently was also in need of the potent beverage so we headed off to the Palms Cantina. After a couple of hours of talking about The Dark Side our transports among other cantina-like topics we headed off to a local eatery for a burger before we called it a night.

Whilst standing in the docking bay we caught glimpse of two individuals who looked like they were part of the Trade Federation having an argument. The argument eventually became a full on brawl at this point I pointed out that it was the Jedi Way to be a peace keeper and was my duty to halt the situation before anybody was seriously injured. Darth Dragonfly and his infinite wisdom pointed out that it was my duty to put such an event in the Jedi Archives and that my duty for the day had been finished earlier that night. He also pointed out that a local squadron of Storm Troopers would no doubt arriving shortly. He was right and they arrived in full force armed with jedi knightsticks.

Seeing as I was not in the mood to pull out my light saber (no not that one, perverts) that night we decided we should return to the Jedi Temple to get some rest. Always good to see my old pal Darth Dragonfly.

May the Force Be with most of You.

Late night Rock & Roll

2007-08-09T03:02:00.001-07:00

The Hollywood Jedi has been keeping the peace in town a whole lot lately and has been on the verge of burn out of late. Small things like listening to the Max Rebo Band while I unwind make things tolerable. Tonight I decided that after a long day dealing with medics, the Jedi Council, and Imperial Storm Troopers I would go to bed early.

At a minute or so past 1am my r2 unit began buzzing with communications from friends living in the Valley of the Jedi's about concussion grenades having been detonated causing the earth to shake to a level of 4.5 on the primitive Richter Scale.

I haven't gotten out of bed for a 4.5 since I was a wee youngling. In fact I haven't gotten into bed with a 4.5 since I was a padawan under the apprenticeship of my Master.

Late night Rock & Roll

2007-08-09T02:39:00.000-07:00

The Other Great Saga

2007-07-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

Over the course of this blogs lifetime you will be placed behind the eyes of a Jedi Master. This Jedi Master lives in Hollywood and although has seen many odd things in the Universe none compare to the bantha-fodder I see here. Despite being a member of the Jedi Order, I have been known to delve in the Dark Arts from time to time. See how I use my Jedi powers to make my life, just a wamprat more interesting.

Late Friday night was the international release of the final book in The Other Great Saga, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Its basically how a young padawan grows up to kill the evil murderer of his parents. Sound familiar to anybody? If you dont believe me just look at this. Maybe thats why I like it so much. Of course it doesnt hurt that the original score to the movies was done by John Williams.

So while at the party to await the relase of this final book this Jedi Master ran into his comedian friend who when asked what on Earth he was doing there he replied "Hey man, I'm a nerf-herder!" Its all so clear now. As I proceded to make my way to the long line full of padawan aged youth I ran into another friend whom this Jedi has had the "Padmes" for the last couple of years. Yes I know its not the Jedi way but unfortunatly she is not week minded and I actually have to work at getting into her pants. She tells me that she might have to wait 3 hours to get her copy and is surprised to see I have a front of the line pass. I offer to purchase an extra copy for her and offer dinner afterwards, unfortunately galactic regulations stipulate one book per customer.

After standing in line for over an hour where I ran into two other people I know from the local Jedi Council, I made it to the front of the line and purchased two books. Upon finding her location via communicator I showed her the second copy I purchased and said she should meet me at an undisclosed location for dinner.

"No freakin' way! How'd you do that?"
"Jedi Mind trick baby. Lets go."